Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
