Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
