new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
he thought i was a dude.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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