I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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