If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
