she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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