I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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