my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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