Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
