Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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