I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
