Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
