dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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