eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize