I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
