So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
