Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I need moral support for this bender
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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