I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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