I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
