Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
