Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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