So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
