barbara walters just said penis...
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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