party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize