i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
