Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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