you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
