i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
