I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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