Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
