My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
