So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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