the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My Sexting was not on an AP level
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
