i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize