So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
