mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Randomize