She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
