I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize