And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
