I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
