I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I need to calm my uterus...
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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