my mouth tastes like poor choices
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
