U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
