how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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