your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Can i not drive my cunt home
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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