fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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