I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
