I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
