Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
