ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
