This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
