Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
