Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
