i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
