His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
