Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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