Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
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