Cold hands, warm shart.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
