Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
