she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
