you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I wish you could order shots online.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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