I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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