i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
