if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
