I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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