his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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