I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize