I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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